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I have been re-reading all the Dan Jenkins books I can get my
hands on, following his death recently. He wrote so much wonderful prose and if you are looking for a great sampler of his work, look no further
than Fairways and Greens. It comprises many pieces he
wrote for Golf Digest and was published in 1994. One of my favorite
articles is Jenkins’ “Things That Make You Hot”, so with a huge nod to him,
here is my version.
Range Finders. Great, so after taking a minute trying
to find the flag you know it is 145 yards to carry the front bunker. The only
problem is you have no ability to consistently hit the ball 146 yards. If your
handicap is higher than, say, five, use the money you would spend on one of
these electronic widgets and get a lesson!
The Double Logo. Ok, your insurance salesman got you
on at Pine Valley and you paid $5,000 in an auction to play Winged Foot. At
both you hit the shop hard….but it doesn’t mean you should wear both logos at
the same time. It is a cardinal sin and you need to leave the course
immediately.
Fixed Height Tees. Do you have a ruler to decide how
much milk to put in your coffee? No, you just know right? Same goes for putting
your tee in the ground. Feel it and it will likely be correct. Try different
heights on the range to see what works for you. If you don’t know how high to
tee your ball you shouldn’t be out there.
Golf Carts. The scourge of the game and the biggest
reason for slow play in America. Let’s both drive to you ball and watch you hit
your shot and then drive to my ball and watch that. No! I don’t need to see you
hit your shot - I’ll see you on the green! In the UK, there are few courses
with carts and play is one to two hours quicker, mainly because players walk to
their own ball and play ready golf. I grew up in the UK playing in less three
hours and am bewildered that US golfers think four hours plus is normal. The game
of golf is a walking game!
Putting Out. The four hour plus rounds are also caused by
golfers feeling the need to putt out on every green. If it’s inside the leather
pick it up and get off the green. No one cares except you and this ludicrous
obsession with keeping score is another fatal reason for the lack of interest
from millennials and Z gen kids. They want to have fun and they want it quick.
Grinding over a one-foot putt is madness. I get it, I played competitive golf
and there is a place for that, but not on a wet Wednesday at any course. It’s
often worse at private clubs where the mentality seems to be, I’m paying big
bucks for this and the sense of entitlement is heightened.
The Air Hug. This is peculiar to the women’s
professional game. After the final putt drop the women give each other this odd
“air hug”. It’s not an actual hug, it’s more of an obligatory embrace with a
sort of pat on the back. It looks fake and I guess feels fake. Just shake hands
and be done with it. I do wonder how this odd ritual started and I just wish it
would finish!
Pitch Marks. It still ceases to amaze me how many
players don’t repair a pitch mark on the green. Maybe they don’t think they
make one as they thin a wedge onto and over the green. If I were a
superintendent and had to waste budget on sending out staff to fix pitch marks
(which they do!) I would be apoplectic! It starts with higher handicap players
who don’t for some odd reason think they make pitch marks. Fix you mark and
help out the super!
Iron Head Covers. Enough said!
Tour bags. I love Tour Bags. I have three in my
office, but I would never, never use one. There is one group and one group only
who need a 10-inch Tour bag - professional golfers. They need a bag stuffed
with stuff – waterproofs, towels, band aids, tees, golf balls, gloves, energy
bars, their lucky rabbit foot. We need a few balls, some tees, a glove and a
Mars Bar and frankly you’ll look like an idiot showing up with a Tour bag and
then hitting the first tee shot 157 yards.
The Rules Guy. He’s read the new version of the rules
and will dispute the height of your knee drop from across the other side of the
fairway. There are several in every club and I’m not picking on the men here -
the women are at it too! If you are any good at golf, you’ll know the rules and
also appreciate that very few games are ever played without one or two rules
being broken. And you know what, that is just fine if you are out having fun.
We are not playing in a USGA event! If you want to be rules guy good luck to
you, just know your options to play in a regular fourball and enjoy the game
diminish with each holier than though ruling.
The Cheater. Reading the above, don’t think for one second,
I am advocating cheating. I am not. I once played in the club championship with
a very good golfer who I saw physically move his ball nine times. Fortunately,
I beat him and then walked into the Secretary’s office to report him. Every
club has them, golfers who think the basic rules don’t apply and move their
ball in the rough, the bunker, the trees. We know who you are and that’s why we
don’t play with you!
